Lego Middle-earth
by budgie-alison
Summary: Kili has a permanent scowl on his face. He blames Fili, and Fili blames the designers of their Lego bodies. (Series of unrelated drabbles, some are LOTR.)
1. Chapter 1

Kili has a permanent scowl on his face. He blames Fili, and Fili blames the designers of their Lego bodies.

'It's easy for you,' Kili says. 'You can turn your head around and there's a completely different face on it. Both of mine are the same except one shows more teeth.'

Fili smiles. He has a smiling face by default. 'You should look on the bright side, brother. We were part of the special preview Mirkwood Spiders set. It is an honour.'

'I don't even know what happens in Mirkwood. The movie hasn't come out yet.'

'You haven't read the book?'

Kili shakes his head. 'I, er, haven't got around to it.'

'Oh, brother.' Fili sighs. 'You should really read it.'

'Well it's a bit difficult when books aren't Lego person sized. Especially since we are dwarves.'

'Have you not heard of e-books?'

Kili rolls his eyes and the two of them are silent for a few moments.

'Fili,' Kili says. 'Why did the designers give you a quiver?'

Fili looks surprised at the question. 'I don't know if they did. I thought I would just bring some extra arrows in case you ran out.'

If it is at all possible, Kili's scowl deepens. 'Oh my Tolkien, you are so embarassing. Have you told any of the others yet?'

'No, our owner hasn't bought any other Lego sets.'

'Don't tell anyone.'

'It's physically impossible for me to tell any other member of our company, Kili.'

'Everyone knows that one does not simply buy one Lego set. The others will come.'

'I know you run out all the time.'

'I hate you.'

'Anyway, I don't mind carrying the extra arrows. They're not that heavy. I worry about you, baby brother.'

Kili scowls. Fili might blame the designers, but deep down Kili is sure the fault lies with his brother.


	2. Chapter 2

'Are you serious?' Gandalf asks as he surveys the level in front of him. Caradhras.

'Yes,' Aragorn replies gravely. 'We must carry all the hobbits and Master Gimli across the snow patches that are a different texture.'

'Goddamn, that is tedious' Gandalf says. 'I'm too old for this shit, I tell you.' He sighs and wishes he had a Lego pipe, but he's not sure if Lego make pipes. Smoking is bad for you, etc etc, he knows.

'Do not fear,' Boromir says, running forward. 'Come here, Pippin. I will carry you to safety!' He picks Pippin up and proceeds through the deep snow.

Aragorn picks up Frodo, Legolas takes Gimli and Sam stands all on his own. He is probably the most useful hobbit, he can light fires and garden, but no one really takes much notice of him.

'Merry,' Gandalf says, walking up to the hobbit. 'Come on.' He tries to pick him up, but accidentally shoots a ball of magic at him.

Merry yelps and glows red. 'Gandalf!' He begins to run away from the wizard.

'I pressed the wrong button, shitting hell.' Gandalf curses, chasing the hobbit. 'Come here!' He hits Merry with another blob of magic, then begins to button mash as he jumps everywhere, firing random magic blobs everywhere. He ends up hitting Merry on the head with his Lego staff and Merry shatters, gold and silver studs going everywhere. A blue stud, worth more than the others, bounces across the level.

'Get the blue!' Gandalf yells to the others. But it's too late, and the stud falls off a ledge.

Gandalf swears.

The others have taken the shorter characters over the deep snow, and Legolas walks back for Sam. As he does so, he doesn't sink in the snow like the others, but runs smoothly over the top.

'How did you do that?' Boromir asks, wading through with the snow up to his neck.

Legolas would shrug, but Lego people (or Lego elves) can't really shrug unless it's in a cutscene, so he just jumps.

'Lego. Legolas. LEGOlas. Oh my GOD,' Gandalf says, firing more magic bolts everywhere. One hits a recently respawned Merry.

'Is it a coincidence, or a conspiracy?' the wizard continues, jumping around the level manically.

Merry sidles up to Lego Legolas. 'Can you take me across? I'm not sure if I trust him,' he says, nodding at Gandalf.

Lego Legolas picks up the hobbit and carries him through the deep snow.

Sam opens his mouth to call after Lego Legolas, but Gandalf picks him up before he can utter a word.

Sam closes his eyes, hoping that Gandalf won't drop him over a cliff edge.


	3. Chapter 3

'This was a terrible idea,' Gimli says. He and Legolas have swapped bodies. 'I am a babe,' he continues, looking down at his distinctly elven body. He is quite tall. It's a bitunnerving being this far away from the ground.

'I _am_ a babe, but I don't see why that would be terrible.' Legolas runs a hand down his now-dwarven chest. 'Besides, you're quite attractive yourself, master dwarf.'

Gimli stares at Legolas. He is unnervingly attractive right now. 'A babe! A literal babe.'

'I don't get it.'

'You beautiful idiot,' Gimli grumbles. 'A BABY.'

'No need to resort to caps lock.'

'Where's all your hair, is what I am trying to say.'

'On my head. Besides, you've got enough for the both of us.'

It is a strange experience, leaning down to kiss Legolas. Especially when he can feel his own armour under his hands as he pulls Legolas closer.

'My friends!' Aragorn calls valiantly. 'I do not think now is the best time to be doing such things!'

He swings his sword around and breaks apart a few orcs. The enemies aren't hard to kill, if he just continues to press X they'll all be defeated soon enough. But it is the principle that he not be the sole defender of the group.

Gimli pulls away from Legolas. 'We should continue this later,' he says, patting the elf's - the dwarf's? - shoulder.

Legolas grins at him as they raise their weapons and plunge into the battle.


End file.
